This month, as they take to the road for their first tour in eleven years, we let you grill Britain’s most famous female comedy duo, French and Saunders. You were interested in those stories about Lenny, whether the pair had ever fallen out and who was the funnier, but were they willing to play ball?
Who is the funnier, you or Dawn?
Nicola McNeff, 36, teacher, Llantwit Major
‘We each have our moments of being funniest. However, I suspect that Dawn is a more natural comedienne. She is a great clown, but I say “darling” in a more amusing way.’
Would you tell her if she came up with a joke that wasn’t funny?
Julia Hawkins, 28, PA, Guildford
‘I would hope after twenty years of working together that Dawn would recognise an unfunny joke. But if she did come up with a dud, I would look for another partner and have her committed to a home to make shell animals and amusing things from tights.’
By teaming up with Joanna Lumley and Julia Sawalha to make your new comedy, Mirrorball, aren’t you just attempting to make Absolutely Fabulous part two? Could it ever be as funny?
Ceri George, 34, managing director, Cardiff
‘I don’t think it is odd to want to work with a group of people you admire. I’m sure Mirrorball will be compared with Ab Fab, but it deals with different issues. If you always ask, “Could it ever be as funny?”, you would never do anything again. Maybe it will be, maybe it won’t – that’s not a thing I worry about.’
Did you let your kids see you in Ab Fab?
Suzanne Whiter, 29, full-time mother, Southampton
‘Of course I did. The only thing they ever told me off for was smoking, but the rest they’d seen before.’
What is the most expensive piece of clothing you own?
Clare Davis, 25, fashion designer, Warrington
‘I don’t own many expensive clothes. My life went downhill when I left school and couldn’t rely on a uniform. The person I am in my head simply does not have my body. If I was to have a uniform, it would be a Betty Jackson/Jil Sander/Ralph Lauren uniform.’
Who would win a drinking contest – Julia Sawalha, June Whitfield or Joanna Lumley?
Sarah Nightingale, 33, wine merchant, Windsor
‘Joanna. She can drink and remain seemingly sober. If I drink too much, which I do always, it is pretty shabby, and weeks are needed to recover.’
Could Ab Fab ever have worked in the US? Or are Americans lacking in the irony department?
Stephanie Fisher, 30, secretary, Nottingham
‘It wouldn’t translate into a US version, because of the drinking and smoking content. Late-night cable would have been the only place, but nobody got it together. Americans generally found it more outrageous. Edina and Patsy didn’t “care” about anything, and that was hard for them to deal with.’
Have you ever performed when you’ve been completely pissed?
Harriet Mole, 29, pub landlady, Ayr
‘In the very early days, I once had a couple of drinks before going on stage with Dawn, but it was a disaster, because she hadn’t drunk anything and we were completely out of sync.’
What do you think Edina and Patsy would be doing now?
Zoe Phillips, 27, IT consultant, Manchester
‘They would have tried to leave the country when Labour got in. That kind of socialism is too girlie and goody-goody for them. Eddie would now be wearing Alexander McQueen, living at the Sanderson and pretending to love the Tate Modern. She would have set the new footbridge rocking and they would try to make the London Eye go faster by jumping up and down.’
What is Dawn’s worst habit?
Tracy Churchill, 31, veterinary nurse, London
‘Saying goodbye to everyone in a room before leaving it. It takes hours. But she doesn’t need to buy everybody a new car or promise to support them for the rest of their days any more – which is a major step forward.’
You have been married to Ade Edmondson for a good few years, what is the secret of a happy marriage?
Angela Cronin, 28, wedding organiser, Bournemouth
‘Clean underwear, pole dancing, baking, sex, dusting, sex, help, a big TV, compromise, sex.’
Have you ever had plastic surgery?
Ross Ludlow, 32, dancer, Brighton
‘My doctor thought I was ugly and on the verge of a mental disorder. So, for the sake of others, I’ve had surgery on my eyes, nostrils, ears, neck (stapled), arms (lengthened), legs (shortened), toes (added, webbing removed), breasts (smallened and largened) and rhino plastyscine inserted in bottom (both). I am now as close to physical perfection as possible.’
Who is funnier, you or Jennifer?
Nicola McNeff, 36, teacher, Llantwit Major
‘Of course, I am. But I always humour Jen and pretend she is more beautiful, taller and a better writer. She has a massive, but fragile, ego and obviously I take pity on her.’
Have you ever had a screaming row with Jennifer?
Claire Crawford-Smith, 19, care assistant, Bedford
‘No. We have screamed and we have rowed, but never at the same time. Our rows are usually silent and sinister, resulting in long spells of grumpy sulking with occasional tongue-poking, V-sign flicking and face-pulling behind the other person’s back.’
What is Jennifer’s most irritating habit?
Sarah Varndell, 22, trainee physiotherapist, Swindon
‘Kitten-juggling. She had done it for years, mostly in private. It has become a sordid addiction and she has, on occasion, pleaded with me for further supplies. When desperate, she has been known to operate in the filthy underworld of kitten dealers and names Rolf Harris as a “fixer” and “friend”.’
Do you ever want to be taken seriously? Have you got any burning ambitions to go ‘straight’ and become a serious actress?
Jasmine Lough, 24, aerobics instructor, Dorset
‘I don’t mind if no one ever takes me seriously at work, but in my real, grown-up, mum-type life, I want every request to be taken seriously. Especially when I say, “Put that down”, or “Stop showing off”, which is how I often have to speak to my mother.’
Were you ever jealous of Jennifer’s success in Ab Fab?
Melita Jenkins, 27, session singer, Brighton
‘Oh yes, I was furious, because she suddenly exposed herself as a person with a big talent in her own right, rather than a blood-sucking comedy leech who has crawled her way to the top on the back of my genius and success. She didn’t even ask my permission, which I thought was rude and downright naughty. She has since been punished. Quite horridly.’
Do you have a rider while on tour where you demand various things for your dressing room?
Louise Donelly, 22, actress, Watford
‘Yes. There must be Smarties in any room I am expected to be in for longer than three minutes. This is not a silly, preposterous diva-type request. I am merely acting on doctor’s orders. The most outrageous thing on our list of requests is that George Clooney should be our coach driver. This is simply bonkers because, frankly, he hasn’t got an HGV licence.’
You said you’re going on tour to keep your comedy fresh – do you think it had gone a bit stale?
Mags Duncan, 31, milliner, Derby
‘Jennifer’s comedy has definitely gone stale. I can smell it from two roads away. No one has thus far had the courage to tell her, so she persists in using the same old comedy every day, believing it to be fresh and new. I have taken to slipping some crisp, modern comedy into her handbag without her noticing, in an effort to help.’
Do you and Lenny hang out with Jennifer and Adrian when you’re not working?
Tanya Marchant, 25, fitness instructor, Reading
‘Not much. We have done in the past, holidays together, that sort of thing, but since they took up satanic worship as their “family hobby”, I’ve felt less inclined to be with them. It’s too messy and the hours are unreasonable.’
What was your first impression of Jennifer when you met?
Jo Simons, 27, doctor, Belfast
‘I thought she was a confident, posh bird with unnerving intelligence and wit who looked bad in a leotard.’
You’ve become the darling of the ‘larger lady’, but if you could wake up tomorrow with someone else’s body, whose would you choose?
Anne Pratt, 20, student, Hull
‘Hattie Jacques’s. Boy, what I wouldn’t do for those sensual curves.’
Who is the most irritating celebrity you’ve ever met… and why?
Joyce Goodings, 39, florist, Leicester
‘Gordon the Gopher, who seemed to me to be an empty, bogus pseud who only wanted to listen to the sound of his own squeak.’
Do people expect you to be funny all the time? And how annoying does that get?
Amy Jenkins, 19, cinema usher, Exeter
‘Yes, which is why I always have a trunkful of hilarious pranks and jokes, so as not to disappoint. A rubber chicken rarely fails to amuse even the most stout-hearted of misery guts.’
Have you ever been stalked by an obsessive fan?
Julia Pearey, 38, supermarket supervisor, Horsham
‘No, and I am furious about that. Aren’t I good enough for them? Perhaps the problem is that I don’t live in London, and so often these types of people are simply lazy and unwilling to travel. However, I could always inform them of my schedule, and surely, with a bit of effort on both sides, we could get our diaries to tally.’
What makes you swear?
Sue Kent, 22, student, Glasgow
‘Bad language. I can’t ****ing bear it when people are foul-mouthed. It just shows them up to be the ignorant and illiterate c**ts they really are.’